I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
