This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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