happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
