This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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