i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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