bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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