I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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