Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
