My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
