So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
