the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
