she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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