i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Randomize
