please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
