after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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