dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
