Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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