His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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