Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Couch. On fire.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Dear god my vagina.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
