This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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