I wanna passion pit in your ass
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
