Can i not drive my cunt home
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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