Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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