I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
