you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
