so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
