i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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