Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I'm bleeding and have questions
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
