Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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