Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
