I want to make a zoo with you.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
