I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i think i have two assholes
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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