Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I came so hard my ears popped.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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