what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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