You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
