Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
