if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
