My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
