these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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