I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
