Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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