i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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