he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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