see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Randomize
