The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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