Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize