Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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