woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
