I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
