I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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