Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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