Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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