i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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