I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
