by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Still dying that you shit outside
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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