shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
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