Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize