Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
