I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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