well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize